Black Family Table Talk
Black Family Table Talk
S6:E2 | Here’s Why You Can’t Find Love
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Join Tony and Toni as they sit down with author, Ted Santos. Ted shares his theory on how to build foundational, long-lasting relationships from his new book, Here’s Why You Can’t Find Love.
This week's episode of Black Family Table Talk podcast/blog is sponsored by Frans Body Care.
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We based on feelings and actually people do it backwards. So they go into relationships looking for love. And once that becomes the foundation because love is based on feelings and anything that you do that's based on feelings is going to be unstable, feel good today, bad tomorrow. But if you do it based on compatibility, that becomes a solid foundation, then you're compatible, you start to have an affinity for them. So if you're looking for a romantic relationship, and you start to have affinity, love is going to be built on top of something that's solid. We're compatible, right? We've got integrity. I know I can trust this guy. I know I can trust this woman.
Tony:Welcome to season six of Black Family Table Talk. We are your host, Tony and Toni. Listening weekly as we share unique stories that inspire, build, and give voice to strengthen black families.
Toni Henson:This season is sponsored by Fran's body care, these are handmade products made from organic ingredients. I personally recommend you try Free Me deodorant, it really works. And it's free of aluminum, taupe perfumes and other harmful pore clogging substances. You can shop these and other black businesses on our website at BlackFamilyTableTalk.com. Welcome to Black Family Table Talk, I am so excited to have you that you are kicking off our sixth season. So we are excited not to be remissed. We went to Howard together.
Ted Santos:No question.
Toni Henson:It just seemed like I always get that mentioned Howard almost every episode. For some reason or another, it just has this big footprint in my life with I have access to what some of the greatest minds in the world. So saying that, we thank you and thank you for being a part of the broadcast today. This is a hot topic. Relationships.
Ted Santos:Yes, some people even get triggered by it.
Toni Henson:But everybody talks about it, but you wrote a book about it. And that is commendable, because I think the conversation needs to be had. I think as descendants of the African diaspora and how we landed here on this in this United States, our history certainly does impact how we relate to one another. I think it's a topic that definitely needs to be explored and it cannot be explored enough. Well, how did you come about being this, I don't want to say an authority, I would say an authority, you wrote a book. So how did how did this come about? What sparked your interest and obvious passion for this topic?
Tony:Can we start with a little background first? I've read some of your bio that was available online. You are a business person by trade, coach, working with CEOs. So I would be interesting if you can give us a background on what you do in that area and then kind of pivot. How you go from that to relationship coaching? Or is that the proper title, you use, relationship coach or relationship expert? How do you identify yourself in that area?
Ted Santos:So I'm gonna answer your question last and so you'll see how we get there. So if I go back a little ways, I've run a number of companies as an executive. That experience of running company like fairly significant companies, being like that COO, the man in charge and reporting only to that one Guy above me. That gave me a lot of experience in transforming corporate culture, accountability, and making companies do things that they initially, like people didn't know how to do. So at some point, I became what you call this executive coach. And so CEOs hire me when they're looking to produce a breakthrough, except they don't know how to do it with existing resources. So much of what I do revolves around creating disruptive strategies and supporting them and executing that strategy and then transforming corporate culture so that culture doesn't sabotage this breakthrough initiative. A great example would be, you look at Steve Jobs in this iPod. I mean, imagine and I wasn't there, him saying, Look, we're gonna make a device that makes the Walkman obsolete. And people are like, Dude, what are you talking about? You've been smoking? Why was he competing with Walkman, we made this big, beautiful computer cost $2,000, but what he did was created a problem for the organization to solve and when they solved it, boom, you got an iPod and Walkman is now obsolete. And then he comes with another problem and says, Hey, that iPod, we're gonna turn it into a phone now. And they're probably like, why are we making cell phones dude, this doesn't make sense. But now we have the iPhone. So when CEOs generally want to create this quantum leap in a company, if you look at Apple, they were selling expensive computers, and now they have this product, which is the iPod sells for $125, for the first time, they can target 13 year olds. That's a whole new market that they never had access to. And so for me, when I look at companies, every company has an untapped market. And so how do you penetrate and create strategies to penetrate that market. So they went from creating music devices, to cell phones, then if you do all the things the iPod and iPad can do at retail stores, I mean, all of this unprecedent. But what it does is it creates an organization where people get to aspire and accomplish things, even though there are challenges that may stretch them beyond the comfort zone. It's empowering to do something that you initially didn't know how to do, and you accomplish it. So now just just hold that, as running companies, I learned to do that by running companies. So then I became an executive coach, and I went through a lot of training, like 1000s, of hours of training, to be an executive coach. It was all about transforming mindset. And then in having a business background gave me a lot of legs to stand on, and understanding how to work with CEOs, boards of directors and other executives. So now, if you understand that transforming corporate culture and getting people to produce breakthroughs, it's all about shifting your mindset and doing things you normally don't do. It's 100% transferable to the relationship world. So when I wrote the book, technically, the book- is it is a corporate handbook, and in for conflict resolution, networking, cooperate, collaboration, leadership, like all of that is in a book. So essentially, what I did is I took my corporate training, and just disguised it, in relationships. I put it in a language and a topic that most people can relate to. So it's like the spoonful of sugar for with the medicine goes down in a delightful way. So instead of writing a business book, and it's not just me, these are like doing like a TED talk, the real TED Talk. It's based on a real event where I'm I am with five women who are, technically I was invited to a party with about 25 to 30 women when I was the only man in the in the room. Most women left, it was five, and we got into these deep conversations and so this is what it sounded like. So it was
Tony:So what would you say, the top five-top three obstacles to almost like a workshop. So there was a lot of back and forth. There was resistance on their part. It's a little comical in some parts. And so it's just me interacting, and giving some of my method to these women and talking, juxtaposing business with relationships. Just a lot of different ways to look at relationships. Some are very counterintuitive. Some are not comfortable for people to digest. a successful or healthy relationship?
Ted Santos:So I'd say number one, and this is the other things so the reader goes through a journey of transformation reading it. So essentially, what I wrote is, and I'm going to answer your question, so what I wrote is a book that a that takes a person on a journey of transformation, so you can see how you sabotage your relationships and not just in love relationships, work, family, anything and it gets to the source. So I'm not giving these sort of flashy little saying, Does that make you feel good? It's like it causes you to read, read and really get underneath and see how your behavior affects relationships in general. The other thing, it forces you to start to look at the number one answer to your question, which is who is really compatible. And I think this is a huge problem, people don't know who's compatible with them. People may recognize someone who has things in common, like, hey, we both like to travel. We like the same kind of music. We like entertainment. We have the same favorite color. There is a list of things that you may have in common, but that has nothing to do with compatibility. And so those things that you have in common, don't make a relationship work. So the number one thing is, people don't know who's compatible with them. And as a result, they don't know how to look for who's compatible. Another reason that relationships won't work is transparency. People put transparency in communication, people don't really communicate very well. There's a lot of you should know that and so I've lived in several countries and it's interesting, when you live in a non English speaking country, you can no longer rely on you should know that, like everyone knows that. You're in a different culture, different language, and you have to make sure your communication is clear, when you speak two different languages, because there are lots of things that you know, like idioms and slang that just don't translate well. So you have to make sure your communication is clear. Sex is a huge thing in relationships. There's actually a statistic that says, a couples that have sex four times a week or more, earn higher incomes, and are have more fulfilling relationships. So I think people really underestimate the value of sex. They use it as a tool, they sort of toy with it, they don't really, I don't think as humans we have underestimate, and maybe only scratched the surface of how beneficial sex is to us, just overall big picture. When I say compatibility, communication, and sex. Sex is the most intimate form of communication you can have. I actually spent some time in a book talking about the value of sex and how people initially come together. It's often a problem right at the beginning of the relationship. Unfortunately, I'm gonna say this, Tony, it's like women are in charge of sex when you come into relationship. So how are you going to have this adult relationship, if only one person is in charge and decides when or if we're going to have sex. That becomes very lopsided. A lot of statement can brew because of that, so
Tony:It's a lot of negotiation.
Ted Santos:Listen, conflict resolution is another - it's number four. We're not taught how to resolve conflict. A lot of times, if you put communication, that's not clear, and things start to go left a little bit, and people don't know how to resolve the conflict, what you'll find is so many couples really don't have problems, they just didn't know how to resolve the conflict. So they ended up getting triggered over things and there was no reason. It's a misinterpretation of things. So conflict resolution is an important element in any kind of relationship you have. They did a poll of executives and corporations, and they asked, What's the number one thing you wish you were better at? And they all the majority said conflict resolution. So in your love relationship, if you're not good at resolving conflicts, you're going to be like this. That's why it's good to have a mediator because the mediator will see, Wow, we really didn't have a problem. There was just this misunderstanding if we can go back and all this other stuff was built on one little misunderstanding five years ago.
Toni Henson:Or 30 years ago. Wow, I have a lot going through my head because we've been together for 32 years, and been through a lot. A lot happens in 32 years of life. I remember when we first got married, everybody was giving us all this practical advice. And the number one thing was communicate. It's like everything is fine on paper. But when you get to practicing it, it becomes a whole another ball game. Because at the end of the day, we have other things that I don't think that you can really research and that's chemistry, that spirituality, your relationship with God, and all of the past history that you bring to the table. What's inside your heart? What has not been guarded? What have you been exposed to? I mean, there are so many layers, and I believe that people are brought together to teach each other things. I believe that everybody in your life is here to teach you something about yourself. But nobody ever told me that. Nobody ever said that raising kids are going to change your relationship. Having babies are going to change your in-laws, are going to change and have an impact on your relationship. And so the one thing that I can 100% agree with is a mediator, and that's a counselor having somebody on speed dial to start unpacking what can impact a relationship. I really don't think people really know and they get those butterflies, initial butterflies when you come together but the real work comes in in year 7-15-20-27-30. And I don't think you can really account for it. You had this conversation with these five women, I'm assuming, are you single or in a relationship? Or have you ever been in a long term relationship?
Ted Santos:What do you call long term?
Toni Henson:What do you call it? What do you define as long term?
Ted Santos:I used to trade stocks on Wall Street. I was a day trader, long term for me was a week. I'm saying, what I'm getting to is relative. So you asked the question. So for me to answer your question, because it's not my question. For me to answer your question, I need to know what long term is.
Toni Henson:What is your status right now? What is your relationship status? Let's start with that question.
Ted Santos:I'm a Single Man.
Toni Henson:Okay, you're single. Okay. Now being single. And you are?
Ted Santos:Communication to me is so important. So you asked me a question, I really want to answer your question, what is what is long term?
Toni Henson:Well, I want to I want to break it down, I want to break it down. We're gonna get to that. So you're a man of age, you've had relationship experience? Correct?
Ted Santos:Until we establish what's the long term I don't know,
Toni Henson:Well, you would consider yourself an authority of relationship. So you definitely have had some relationship experience? Yes. Would you say that your relationship experience influence your writing?
Ted Santos:What influenced it the most, most people have a difficult time with this. When I was nine years old, I literally started researching studying human behavior and I write about that in the beginning of the book, because it had a profound effect on the women I was more compatible with. And usually I was compatible with women who were much older. When I was at Howard, it was interesting the amount of upperclassmen I dated or the women who had already graduated. In high school, I was 19 already engaged involved with women who are in their 30s. And it was much easier for me to have a relationship with those women than when someone my age. So just in the research that I had done, initially was all about women's sexuality, biology, and dating preferences. I mean, that's where I started and part of my motivator was, I had heard boyfriends of my aunt's saying women should come with instructions. So I was going to figure out the instruction manual. So that was a motivating force. And there were other things that happened in life that had me want to understand human behavior. And even when I lived abroad, it was still part of that journey, because I lived with mine Indians in Belize in a jungle with no electricity or running water. And I was looking to see if there were people who are just different from anyone else. And no matter where I went. I went even as far as Greenland, in my travels, and I couldn't find humans that was different. So it was like there was one human paradigm. Everyone wanted to eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, got upset, jealous, happy, and angry. I saw human beings. I've dined with billionaires here in New York, I mean, literally billionaires. I spent a lot of time with CEOs of Fortune 500. And it just seems to be that people are people, everyone claims they're different. That's one of the things that binds people. That we all think we're unique and different. But we all learn to walk and talk and feel like, there's this human experience that we all have. And so I've dated women from all of the continents, I've dated women when I lived abroad. You could say, I've done a lot of research and in dating women and interacting and understand what really works. So if I would have married it, when I was younger, people would have told me that you just got lucky. And you found the right woman, and you're lucky. So what I did is in business, you call proof of concept, it means that you have a product or service that can be replicated and sold over and over. So what I did is I created a a way of being in relationships with women. And I wanted to see if it could be done over and over, different age groups, different countries, and different time periods. None of it ever mattered. The longest relationship I had was five years, we lived together five years, and I had another three year live in relationship. I still don't know if you call that long term, but five and three, were the two longest and I had really good relationships with both women. Both women who I expected to marry and I didn't. There are several women who expected to marry me, but it just didn't happen.
Toni Henson:Do you define marriage as a successful threshold in a relationship?
Ted Santos:I grew up in a two parent household. My parents were highschool sweethearts. So I would say if you're married, stay married. And make that a successful union. Whether you're gonna raise children, build your legacy, whatever that is. So I think marriage is a commitment. It's a legal binding contract. I've never engaged in that. I've done legal binding contracts in business, but not in the marriage sense. I think it does give an expression of of commitment that could be beyond just living together or common law. Yes.
Toni Henson:Well, this is a tough question. If that is your value, then, everybody has a book about relationships, people who've been married three times, people who have never been married.
Tony:I got two questions.
Ted Santos:Marriage, no matter how you slice it, it's still a relationship. And so my expertise is in relationships. There's a guy, Malcolm Gladwell, he's written several books like Tipping point, and Outliers. One of the things he talks about outliers is, when someone has 10,000 hours of practice experiencing something, they generally achieve mastery. So at nine years old, I was diligently, religiously, when kids were out playing, I was up in my room reading. And then I would go interview my aunt's friends to validate my funding findings. Right. So I'd be asking them all kinds of questions. So you could say, my life has been a laboratory.
Tony:One of the concepts you mentioned was, you mentioned compatibility, right? Going into a relationship that may or may not end marriage. What's the mindset of the two people going into a relationship that the first thing you you notice in someone is maybe that physical attributes? Once you establish that, so how do you negotiate or how do you navigate for there?
Ted Santos:That's a great word"negotiate", people shouldn't be afraid of that word.
Tony:How you negotiate or how do you navigate through the steps of a relationship? I mean, you don't find out whether or not you're compatible with somebody after the first time you meet them. So how does that concept work in establishing a relationship and You said, Okay is it's good to move forward.
Ted Santos:There are several responses to your question. The first one is, I just want to give you some statistics, they've been keeping track of marriage rates in the United States starting in 1865, and right now marriage rates are lower than they've ever been, since they first started recording them. That's just for, let's say, in the United States marriages are lower than they've ever been, especially when you look at mainstream USA. Divorce rates still remain to be around that 50%. And where marriage rates have not dropped and the divorce rate has always been very low, is amongst the affluent class. So the affluent still continued to marry, they still see and understand the value of marriage. A lot of people think, Well, it's because they have money, and they don't want the marriage to fall apart. The research says otherwise, what the research says is, is they understand compatibility, and the reason their marriages last. There are even plenty of case studies when the guy who started a business and it just fell apart, they lost everything homeless, sleeping out of a car, or having to move into one of their parents home. Even in the face of losing it all, there was no split up, no separation, because they were so compatible. They knew they chose the right person. So I'm saying that the affluent: Yes, you have this, I'm physically attracted to you. But they are engaging one another in such a way that they are looking for compatibility. Tony, you talked about chemistry, I addressed that in my book. And building a relationship based on chemistry is, has nothing to do with compatibility. If anything, it has to do with our biochemical makeup and it's nature's way of making sure we perpetuate the species. It has nothing to do with whether your relationship will work. There's a lot behind you know how we depend on this thing called chemistry. Hollywood has some something to do with that also. So the cut and dry answer to your question, say it's funny, I have to say Tony and Toni, right. So the cut and dry answer to your question is the reason so many arranged marriages are successful is because it's like, Tony, you were talking about how your in laws can change your life or your relationship. Arranged marriages are a marriage of family values. There's compatibility in the family values, how you manage conflict, how you manage money, how you educate your children, sexual compatibility, mental health, compatibility, physical health compatibility, diet, where we want to live, and how we educate ourselves. There are so many things that are way more important and they don't change over time. Integrity, I would say integrity is at the top of the list. When two families come together and decide whether our children's should marry. As a woman, a guy can be a player and say all the smooth lines and make you feel good and it's so much chemistry and he knows all the right things to do. I mean, there are literally men out there, who will mimic certain characters from movies, and women will love the guy and there's so much chemistry because they're familiar with that kind of guy, and maybe they had an affinity for the movie and the character. It works, it really does work. But when you get your father and your grandfather and your uncle, they're not falling for that they're looking for this guy, and what his values are and what his future might be. So I think part of our challenge and why we have such high divorce rate is because for 1000s of years, we've had either arranged or semi arranged, you've had involvement with your family in your decision making. And now for the past 70 years, we've just been like going on our own and we haven't figured it out. We don't know what's compatible. And if you look at the Hollywood and the kind of influences, it influences how people make decisions, and those decisions have more to do with Hollywood fantasy as opposed to what really works. Do you mind if I give a historical fact? There's a guy, his name is John Keats. He wrote a book back in like 1817-1819, somewhere around there. In the book, The title was La Belle Dame sans Merci. I forget the exact translation. It was a love story. It's a novel. And back when he wrote it, no one really cared about it. By the 1850s, the book caught on, it hooked like it hooked and on caught on to culture. Instead of people getting married for arranged marriages and building legacies, putting, like before if your parents would have owned 50 acres, and your parents would own 50 acres, we put them together now we've got 100 acres, we're building generational wealth, we're preparing our child like that's what marriage was happening. It was a legal binding contract. Well, this book changed that. It started people thinking about romance, and flowers and chemistry and all these things that have nothing to do with building generational wealth and a powerful marriage. And so fast forward, that book is now an all over Hollywood and the media and music, it's in everything. So we've been completely derailed. It's not really part of the education. So perhaps when you look at the affluent. You're looking at children growing up in a household, a two parent household, where the divorce rate I think is like 9%. And they still continue to get married, the parents value marriage, they work together, they collaborate. So as a child, you're being educated, you're seeing your parents be compatible, you have a great example, and you're watching. One of the things that happens is amongst the affluent, and I've seen it, those wives are extraordinary networkers. When you talk about guys like Henry Ford, and you understand what was happening in a background, and no one ever heard, his wife was back there weaving a web of networks and investors and she met other women who may have been married to guys who became employees or clients or something else. The sort of the way that the effluent work together is very much like relationship is a team sport. So what to do that you have to understand things like integrity, and you can't be afraid to ask these really tough questions. And we avoid them because we don't want to turn the person off but you know what, we need to talk about sex, we need to talk about integrity, we need to talk about, how we want to educate and discipline our children. There's a bunch of things that we need to have real conversations, not just glaze over it, and touch the surface and say, we talked about it. You need to really dive in and see do we really see eye to eye in these like how do we manage money?
Tony:You make a very good point. What comes to mind as I was listening to you speak, was the whole concept of the marriage contract and the families coming together. That's something that really doesn't take place a lot in the US. In Africa, you're married to the families. And it's encouraged that whole arrangement is extend the relationship. So you forced to have compatibility?
Ted Santos:She's from Ghana. She was born here except the guy she wanted to marry, she had to get permission from her father. The family spent out a week, a couple of weeks, they spent time with one another. And the families had to see if they were compatible. And she said initially, her father was against it. And the guy had to convince her father that I am the guy before the Father gave his blessings.
Tony:Yeah, hat's what I was trying to say. That doesn't take place in America and a lot of marriages. So to Toni's point, that's what things are thrown off the rail, if you don't have that foundation. Well, I'm gonna tell you what Ted, I learned from this having four children. My oldest is already married. What I learned from this is to get involved with the process, not picking their mate or anything like that but making an effort to have relationship with the in-laws. I think that support system helps have that foundation and security if the families can get along and have a relationship.
Ted Santos:True that . Now the families have a best interest in the success of the union. And so there becomes this support structure, whether it's babysitting, resolving a conflict, like the couple is getting into a conflict, and as more mature people you can see, or that they don't see that they're making a mountain out of a molehill, and it was just a misunderstanding. You can help them negotiate and navigate. They may not have the same experience, communication, and insight you have and because the families have a vested interest, they want to see them work through the conflict. Couples are going to go through some sort of conflict, it just happens. That's why a conflict resolution is extremely important. People really should get training.
Toni Henson:Well, we're always looking for solutions on the Black Family Table Talk. And I think, Ted, I think you have provided some insight into what people can do to move forward. I think everything that we can get, when it comes to surviving as black families is important. I do think you have something to contribute. I was going to give you the business for being not being married, and yet given advice on marriage, but I decided that I would listen and I'm glad I listened. Because I do believe you have some insight. So I just want to thank you so much for being open, and sharing your research and your knowledge and your life experience and more importantly, your story, so that maybe some people can get something, a nugget or two that they can take and put in their black family toolbox for use in the future.
Ted Santos:Oh, thank you and one of the solutions in my book.
Toni Henson:How can we get in touch with you
Ted Santos:You can find me on social media, Facebook. You can find me on Instagram, under my name, Ted Santos, LinkedIn. My email if you'd like to personally get a book signed. For me, it's t like Ted Santos at turnaround ip.com and IP is right intellectual property.
Toni Henson:Well, we appreciate that. That's black family tabletop.
Ted Santos:That's what's up, we can take care of pleasure.
Tony:That concludes this week's talk. We hope you found some tools to add to your strong black family toolbox. And be sure to sign up for a free subscription at Black Family Table talk.com for special discounts and product offers reserved exclusively for you.
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