S8:E3 | Back to the Basics: Relationship Building from the Ground Up

Join Tony and Toni as they sit down with Shannon and Domanicka Dailey and hash out the basics of making a marriage work. 

Here's what's covered in this episode:

1. The significance of building and sustaining a solid groundwork while navigating through relationships. 
2. The struggle of investing trust in the world rather than placing it in the teachings of God.
3. Where to turn when your affection for one another starts diminishing.

Connect with Shannon and Domanicka Dailey:

Website: https://livedailey.com/ 

Join the LiveDailey Movement: https://livedailey.newzenler.com/

LiveDailey | 10 Tips for Dating Success: https://livedailey.newzenler.com/f/10tipsfordatingsuccess

Transcript

00:00:00 Tony: Welcome to Black Family Table Talk. 

00:00:02 Shannon: Okay. Glad to be here. 

00:00:05 Toni: I'm just excited about you guys being here because everybody needs it. It's like every single person on me could probably use some coaching in this area, whether they can admit it or not. So I love, love. I love, even though I'm not good at it. I'd love to try to matchmake, introduce people to people. I'm not good at it. I should really stay out of the business. I just love, love. And I love when you can find someone to spend your life with, but walking into the situation fully aware of the work that it takes to define your own success. We've been at it for 33 years. When I say at it, I mean, at it.

00:01:02 Domanicka: Congratulations. That's amazing. That's not from the [inaudible]. 

00:01:09 Toni: Well, tell me how you started. How did you get into this wonderful ministry?

00:01:15 Shannon: Well, let's say it wasn't wonderful when it was approached to us. I think it's just like anyone else. We would cycle, analyze ourselves and say, at the time, I think we were 20 years into our marriage and we were thinking about all the things that we've been through and all the things we need to accomplish and there's still yet, work to be done and on and on and on and on. So we felt like we were the perfect marriage to teach others how to be married. And that's not what the Holy Ghost is looking for anyway. So once we realized that we were sabotaging ourselves saying what we're not, God was saying, you're everything that you're supposed to be because this is what people are looking for, is just love in any circumstance, dark, light, good, bad. He's just looking for his love in that moment. 

00:01:59 Shannon: So we said yes to our church ministry that invited us to head up a small group. And then from there, we became leaders within our church ministry for the marriage and family group. And so we had several other groups that were kind of working under us or with us that we oversaw. But from there, the Holy Spirit basically just intervened. We actually, been teaching a lot of couples who are getting married, saving your marriage before it starts. So the [Les and Leslie Parrott] program, we've been doing that with our church for many years. 

00:02:31 Shannon: And one night, the Holy Spirit just dropped into us, actually right at COVID, for us to write workbooks that speaks from the same concept but with biblical foundation. So then we start seeing that our mission was really to show a contrast between what the world says about relationships and what the Word says about relationships, and more importantly, walking out. So that's when we had the aha moment several years ago to do the books and then get into more of a dialogue based on what Live Daily does as a business now.

00:03:03 Tony: What has been the biggest challenge for you guys and working with couples? Because I mean, the world tells you one thing, the Bible says another thing. And trying to live by God, but not let the noise from the world… It's a challenge. I can just say for myself, it has been a challenge. We've been married for 33 years, and it has been a challenge. When I first met my wife, Toni, she said to me, the guy I marry has to be saved. But I wasn't saved at the time when we met. And that took me aback, and I was stretching my ass, saying, what are you talking about being saved? What's that about? 

00:03:49 Tony: So a long story short, we met, and we grew up in the same neighborhood, maybe three or four blocks away from each other and didn't know each other. Our parents, her mother and my mother attended the same church. 

00:04:02 Domanicka: Really? 

00:04:03 Shannon: That's crazy. 

00:04:04 Tony: Yes. And we didn't know each other. And we were going out… I was hanging out with a friend from high school who was in town. I was living with my buddy from college at the time. We had an apartment up in Newark, New Jersey. And he came home. And long story short, we went out to a club and his car got broken in two. And we were outside making a police report. Now at this time, club had closed, everybody's leaving. And Toni, my wife, was walking up the street. And because her and her buddy, her friend, that she went to high school with, had a flat tire. 

00:04:40 Tony: So she came up to the police officer and said, “You have a flat tire, can you help us?” The police officer looked at us and said, ”I don't change tires.” So I was standing there, and I said, well, I'm not doing anything. I walked down there and changed the tire. And that's what I did. I went down and changed the tire. A friend brought me back to where I was with my friend doing a police report, but they were gone. So they ended up taking me home. So as we were getting out of the car, I had my phone number in my hand. She had her phone number in her hand. It was just the same phone numbers. 

00:05:19 Tony: And then four months later, we were engaged. And four months after that, we were married. So we met, got engaged, and got married in eight months. Now over that eight-month period, as we were courting and dating, I did find out what being saved was. Started going to church. 

00:05:41 Shannon: All right. 

00:05:42 Tony: Got saved at a church we were visiting in Brooklyn, New York. It was actually, what's the guy's name? I can't even think of his name now. Famous pastor. I don't remember his name. 

00:05:53 Toni: Bernard. Bernard. 

00:05:55 Tony: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. Yeah. And we got married. And we've been in a church, and Christ has been the head of our life all these years. So we know that's the winning recipe. That's the formula. 

00:06:09 Shannon: Right. 

00:06:10 Tony: Without Christ, it's not possible. 

00:06:13 Domanicka: Just forget about it. 

00:06:15 Tony: Forget about it. I mean, in between all of that, you know, you don't always stay under the spirit. You know, under the teachings. You come out of that sometimes. You have some fights. You have some arguments. 

00:06:35 Shannon: Yeah. 

00:06:35 Tony: And I'm just amazed at couples who are able to do what you do. Because Toni always said to me, let's do ministry. You know, let's, I don't think I'm qualified. Because I know the challenges. You know, so I don't know if I'm going to be out there giving anybody advice with the challenges we had. So what's the biggest challenge for you guys? That's my question. And staying in the spirit. 

00:07:00 Domanicka: Staying in the spirit. 

00:07:02 Shannon: Oh, man.

07:04 Domanicka: There are so many different things. Like, I use things for me as a litmus test. So literally, if we're in the midst of getting ready to have some kind of disagreement or heated discussion, then I literally take myself through a litmus test and I'll say, okay, right now, am I being patient? Am I being kind? Am I keeping record of wrong? Like, I literally will have to take myself through a test. And then once I realize that, okay, so I'm not walking in love toward my spouse, I'm not walking in love toward him right now. 

00:07:36 Domanicka: So I need to just back up and say, okay, we're probably not in a good space right now to have a discussion. Let's come back and talk about it when we're calmer or whatever. So I literally have to take myself to do different litmus tests. Is what I'm about to say right now going to be encouraging to him? Is, the words about to come out of my mouth? Is it going to cut or is it going to soothe? 

00:08:02 Shannon: Yeah, because she can cut a little deep. What she's talking about is supposed to work [in 13]. 

00:08:10 Domanicka: Yeah. So I just take myself through litmus tests. And that's the way that I stay in the spirit when I'm actually having conversations or conflict with him is just take my, I haven't always been able to do that, but I've learned over the years that it's the best thing for me to do is to stop and think, am I about to say something that's going to cut or soothe? 

00:08:34 Shannon: Yeah.

00:08:35 Domanicka: So yeah. 

00:08:36 Shannon: Yeah. I concur with that because if you think about it, the greatest challenge is activating and living in the Word versus what you've been trained, raised, watched, experienced over your life, how to handle a relationship. Because just like you guys, four years into a dating, engage, married, or four months, I'm sorry, you guys went from flat tire to holy matrimony. And truly we had a dream that we were to get married and within a year we got married. 

00:09:06 Domanicka: Yeah. 

00:09:07 Shannon: So you really don't have a handbook to read on how to handle each other. What's the role of a spouse? How do you handle kids? How are you going to make money? We hear what the world says and we try to find what the word says, but we really trust the world first because we didn't know any better. So the challenge to me is if you're a believer in Christ and you truly believe what the word says, start there first. More importantly, stay there, especially when things go awry. 

00:09:34 Domanicka: Yeah. 

00:09:35 Shannon: Because you just talked about, you know, jumping in and out of the spirit a little bit. We're always in the spirit, but we may not be operating first by the spirit. That's the challenge. How I feel and think may override what the spirit of God is telling me to do in that moment. So how do I dial it back, slow down and allow him to speak versus me just saying what I gotta say because this is how I feel. That's the challenge. 

00:09:47 Domanicka: Or I want to get my mind.

00:10:01 Shannon: Yeah, absolutely. And in the beginning, she did. Yeah. When you have a New Yorker here, she will let me know how she felt. And that came from Cleveland. So we scrapped for every little bit we got. So we had some differences in the beginning that made us feel like, boy, this is going to be tough to find that common denominator. When we didn't realize we found it all along, we just wasn't exercising it, which is love. And that's going back to, first Corinthians.

10:32 Domanicka: Yeah. 

00:10:35 Toni: All right. I'm going to ask the $64,000 question. 33 years, the love leaves. What do you do when the love is gone? 

00:10:45 Domanicka: The love leaves? How does it leave? That would be my question. What do you mean that it leave?

00:10:52 Toni: I don't know, it just happens. It happens. People fall in and out of love. Maybe we should start with what the definition of love is. And then how do you, because to me, I think love is an action word. So if you have four children like we have and you don't nurture your relationship, maybe I'm answering my own question, but I want to leave it to you, the experts, because sometimes you look up and you're just not interested.

00:11:20 Shannon: Yeah. 

00:11:20 Toni: And that's just the reality of it. 

00:11:23 Shannon: No, that's a very good question. And that's also something that we probably dive into quite a bit because–

00:11:27 Tony: Can I just add a bit to it? 

00:11:30 Shannon: Okay. Go ahead.

00:11:31 Tony: Add a bit to that question. After raising children, they were very close in age, two years apart. Your life is centered around the children. 

00:11:40 Shannon: Okay. 

00:11:40 Tony: When they're gone, that's a whole nother dynamic. 

00:11:44 Shannon: It is. 

00:11:45 Tony: It's like, who are you? Not so much that the love is gone. Who are you? I don't even recognize our situation anymore. Now that we empty nesters, it's a whole nother ball game. 

00:12:00 Shannon: Yep. 

00:12:01 Tony: And we had some struggles at year 30 in our marriage and when the kids were gone and that's what we were faced with. So, just want to fill that background. 

00:12:14 Shannon: No, that's a good question to ask. We're going to take this one. 

00:12:17 Domanicka: Well, a thought came to my mind because I kind of felt like that, because we homeschooled our kids. And two of them are in college now and one graduated from high school this year. And so we're kind of like on the verge of being empty nesters. But I remember thinking after, because my youngest, he decided he wanted to go back to school for high school. So he was in high school for his last two years. But when he went back, that's literally how I felt. I was like, okay.

00:12:47 Shannon: What do we do? 

00:12:47 Domanicka: I spent all this time homeschooling my kids and putting all of my energy and effort into raising them and to, you know, pouring into them. And now that my youngest has, back in school, I'm like, I don't even know what to do with myself. Like, who am I actually now that I'm still connected to my kids, but it's not the same as them being around me 24/7 all the time every day. And I remember thinking like, oh my gosh, is this how it's going to feel when they're actually all gone and have their own lives? What will we do then? Right. I mean, because I think that's what we kind of asked ourselves. And I think now that we just started, like building a business together, I feel like now that's something that we have in common together. And we're learning how to work with each other all over again, just building a business because we think differently and all of that. So. And we both have, you know, different strengths and weaknesses. 

00:13:45 Domanicka: So I think it's just finding other common things that you have and just kind of relearning each other all over again, because when you have kids, you spend most of your effort pouring into them. And you have to be very intentional about making space for each other because you guys were there first. And that's kind of what we keep for us is like, we were here first before the kids, like they're going to be gone, but it's just going to be us left. So we got to make sure that we're intentional about staying connected. And I think that's what really helped us is just staying connected, regardless of what state that we were in.

00:14:23 Shannon: That's a good point. And actually to add to that, I know that when you were homeschooling, I was out there making the 64 million. So I felt there was a disconnect between us, right? She's working by fueling and strengthening our future leaders to be great people as they grow up. And I'm out there making sure we support the agenda. So I felt that there was a disconnect as we were raising kids, where it could easily have been said that we were starting to find, that we were losing our grip on love because we were putting our focus on the children and maintaining a roof over our head. So when I think of love, I think of it in three aspects. There's an emotional connection, right? 

00:15:04 Shannon: So if you don't have that emotional connection, you will say, man, I think I'm losing my grip on love. If you're not being physical intimacy, you'll say that's another aspect, the physical side of that. That's an emotional disconnect or a physical disconnect, and I'm losing a little grip on love. And then you will say from a spiritual place that, man, I just don't feel spiritually connected. We don't pray, we don't fast, we don't this, we don't that. So there's three elements that makes up the man and the woman, but it also makes up what love is. 

00:15:33 Shannon: God is love in a physical sense, a spiritual sense, and an emotional sense, the soul is realm. We focus on the emotion. I'm falling out of love because I don't feel she's paying attention to me. She ain't meeting my needs. She's not respecting me. She's not cherishing me. Don't you see I'm out here working three jobs? I'm trying to make that bread, girl. You're supposed to be cooking it. [Making me to feed]. So we start thinking that we're falling out of love because of the things we're not doing or are doing from an emotional physical space, and we don't tap into the spiritual component. And that is, if we're one in marriage, we're one with God, that should lead the other two. 

00:16:24 Shannon: Well, that falling out of love happens when we only pick one aspect of love, which God is all three of them. He's the emotional, he's the spiritual, he's the physical, he's every aspect of love. But we only pick one and say, this is why we're no longer in love with each other, because I don't feel it. So then what we need to do then, as a transition is find God in that space. So if I can find God in what I feel that I'm lacking, then I can love her based out of my lack, because I'm expecting God to fill that space. 

00:16:58 Shannon: So I got to go back to God and not go back to her. You need to feel my need. No, God, I'm lacking in this space. What can I do to be a better husband and not fill this void? Because if I'm feeling it and we're one in Christ, she's feeling it too. But I'm not man enough to ask her, because that means if I ask her, I got to do something about it as a man. But what I need to do is take her to God and say, okay, Father, what do I do so I don't fill this void and also meet her needs too? 

00:17:26 Tony: Amen. 

00:17:27 Shannon: When I do that, it's going to come back one way or another. So I don't expect her to give it back the way I give it. But I do know that because we walk together in love, that God is going to expose some things to her to say, okay, this is what he's doing to provide or whatever it is. And she will find that area of need of mine without me even asking. So to me, the first place we have to go back to when we start to feel we're falling out of love is to go back to God, run to Him versus run from Him so we can find out what's causing that void. 

00:18:01 Toni: That was a nugget right there. 

00:18:05 Tony: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah. 

00:18:07 Shannon: I was going to say with all [the nuggets] just so you know. But it really has changed our mindset when we look for God in our relationship versus for each other to fulfill our relationship. Because then I'm putting weight on her to do something I need God to do and vice versa.

00:18:30 Domanicka: Yeah, I definitely have been doing that. 

00:18:33 Tony: Amen. That's some great stuff right there. 

00:18:36 Toni: So you do couples counseling, you do individual one-on-one coaching, you do pre-engagement counseling.

00:18:46 Shannon: That’s right.

00:18:46 Toni: And your prices are unbelievably affordable.

00:18:51 Shannon: Well, thank you.

00:18:50 Toni: I was really, I'm blown away because we spend a whole lot more trying to mend our marriage. I wish we knew about y'all, we would have saved a few hundred dollars a session. So that tells me that it is truly a ministry. I don't have a problem promoting it. Mostly is it now online post-pandemic or do you still do it in person?

00:19:13 Domanicka: Now we really do love to do in person. That's kind of like our favorite is to actually be face-to-face with people because you just get so much more out of it being face-to-face. But since the pandemic, realized that we definitely have to shift the way we do some things. And so we are doing things online and we've done a couple of sessions where we actually had to do them online because of weather or what have you. So we still do stuff online too. So we're perfecting that space there.

00:19:42 Shannon: Yeah, and that's whether it's one-on-one coaching, so forth. We do a little bit of both, but our jam is really face-to-face. 

00:19:49 Tony: But it expands your audience with the online opportunities, right? 

00:19:53 Shannon: It does. It does. And really the foundation of what we're doing is to focus on the body of Christ. Because again, the body of Christ, they know the word, but are they doing the work? So when you talk about James 1, are they being doers of the word or just hearers only? So our job is really to try to strengthen the body of Christ by bringing back what the word says, but get them to exercise their spiritual muscles. So being able to be online definitely has opened up the doors to reach people in places that they, well, they're not traveling to Columbus, Ohio for this. So it might be better, they call us. But it has opened up an opportunity for us to meet some great people around our country, around our world that we would have never met on our couch. 

00:20:36 Domanicka: Yeah, for sure. 

00:20:39 Toni: Without revealing any or violating any privacy policies, can you just give us a success story? 

00:20:48 Shannon: We got quite a few. 

00:20:50 Domanicka: Like from our couples? Like a couple that we've administered? 

00:20:54 Toni: Yes. 

00:20:56 Shannon: Well, we have several. We have one couple in particular. She's a business owner and he is actually, what is it, an Olympian champion, bodybuilder. 

00:20:06 Domanicka: He's a bodybuilder, yeah. 

00:20:07 Shannon: They knew each other growing up like you two, or no, the parents knew each other in your case, but they actually knew each other but didn't run in the same circles. 

00:21:15 Domanicka: They kind of did run in the same circles. 

00:21:17 Shannon: Okay. He went on and got married. Unfortunately, his wife at the time passed away and she was still single. She came out of a bad relationship, a marriage herself, so they were single. And I think at church they actually met. So the pastor of that church was like, “You got to go talk to Shannon and Domanicka.” That was my African voice because he's African. [We got a little talk with them]. So we got together with them, sat down and kind of just did an evaluation of what they're looking to accomplish and what they're looking to expect.

00:21:48 Shannon: And from there, we just hit it off. You know, we were just allowing the Holy Spirit just to speak to us, to speak to them, and it actually uncovered stuff about them that we didn't even know. So the thing was from those conversations and those engagements, they were unsure if they were the one. And I'm sure you probably heard that in a lot of your talks, how do I know if the person I'm with is the one? And so we kind of did like a little evaluation to explore that and then have them, to seek and pray and ask God what they do in this space. 

00:22:21 Shannon: Well, they went on to get married and they've been married for a few years. Now her business is thriving and he's doing great things. Whereas when they first came to us, they were trying to figure out what to do and if I'm to do it with you. So from there, they actually have nine kids. 

00:22:39 Tony: Wow. 

00:22:39 Domanicka: They have a blended family. 

00:22:40 Shannon: They have a blended family. 

00:22:41 Tony: Okay. 

00:22:42 Shannon: So this was one of those things where you're blending a family, you're blending careers, you're blending backgrounds, you're blending everything, and they were just uncertain if it was going to weather the storms. Because they knew there were going to be challenges because of such differences. And so for us, we kept focusing on love. Focus on that. God is love, so focus on that. Don't focus on all your kids. Don't focus on all the differences. Don't focus on your business and working out. He loves to work out, she didn't. He was all about that business life, he didn't understand it. 

00:23:18 Shannon: So once we got them to just focus on God, then they start to understand business or he started to understand business, she started to understand fitness. They start to understand the dynamics in their kids, not to try to chastise them and tell them what they're writing. No, they started learning how to work together to raise a family. And to me, that was like the greatest success story is to bring God in the midst of what you thought was going to be a challenge. 

00:23:42 Domanicka: Yes. 

00:23:43 Shannon: Because why else would you get married if you think there's divorce up the other end? Why bother? So for them, they didn't see divorce as an option, but they were concerned that it could be if they didn't figure this thing out in the beginning.

00:23:55 Domanicka: And I like to add to this story because I always say that they are our redemption couple, because of some of the challenges that they faced before they got married. Their story is a story of redemption because she, on the other hand, she was preparing to be alone and just focus on her son and her business. And she was like, well, I don't think marriage is in the cards for me. So I'm just going to focus on building my business and focusing on my son and be alone for the rest of my life. 

00:24:24 Domanicka: And so she didn't even think that she was going to actually find someone. And so she was literally, she just kind of gave up. She gave up the idea of actually getting married again. And so he came back into her life. She was doing everything that she could to fight it because she was just like, thinking like– 

00:24:44 Shannon: It can't be him. 

00:24:45 Domanicka: It can't be him. Like, not you. I just say it's such a redemption story because he had some really huge struggles prior to, with his wife passing and they had eight kids, and he was dealing with some challenges on his own. So. And she knew about these things. And so that's why I say that their story is such a redemption story because he gave his life to Christ, like he didn't know Christ before they got married. But in the midst of all that, he gave his life to Christ and God has just done an amazing work in him and them together. So I call them our redemption story because God really redeemed their past for their present and their future. So it's just wonderful to watch.

00:25:32 Shannon: And I forgot to add this on top. They're in their forties, so– 

00:25:36 Domanicka: No, fifties. They're in their fifties.  

00:25:38 Shannon: Excuse me. 

00:25:38 Domanicka: Just like we are. 

00:25:39 Shannon: So they're not young kids. You know what I mean? So they've been through a lot of life challenges and then they, yet still came together. You know, African-American couple, beautiful people, beautiful family. But when you look at them, you would say, yeah, they may not make it. But what we saw, so when you see love, like I see it in YouTube, it's a done deal. So it's just a matter of now let's focus on love versus focus on the differences. 

00:26:07 Toni: Wow. That brings me to another question. If you have a question, you can jump in, Tony. Do you ever come across a couple where you just like, yeah, this ain't going to work.

00:26:26 Domanicka: Yeah. And so that came to us, they were engaged. Oh yeah. 

00:26:31 Shannon: One in particular. 

00:26:32 Domanicka: But there's one in particular that I'm thinking of now, that came to us to go through premarital counseling and we went through the process. I mean, we really poured–

00:26:42 Shannon: Hours.

00:26:43 Domanicka: Into them, like we poured and poured and poured. And then there was an issue that kept coming up. It just kept coming up. And so the Holy Spirit literally led me to ask them, if this doesn't ever change, are you willing to live with it for the rest of your life?

00:27:01 Shannon: So just to create a little backdrop, this is in our home. They're face-to-face with us. He's on one end of the couch. She's on the other end of the couch and we're sitting in our chairs talking to them. So this is a direct conversation with the both of them, eyeball to eyeball, face to face. And when Domanicka simply asked her, if he doesn't change, are you okay with that?

27:23 Domanicka: Can you live with that for the rest of your life? That was my question. And she said, no. And I said, then why are you getting married? 

00:27:31 Shannon: Why are you going to do this? 

00:27:33 Tony: Wow. 

00:27:34 Domanicka: And so I don't even know if she really gave us an answer. She was like–

00:27:38 Shannon: At least not that night.

00:27:39 Domanicka: Not that night. She was very quiet after that. And so we still had sessions with it. So I asked this question three times.

00:27:46 Shannon: At least.

00:27:47 Domanicka: Three times.

00:27:48 Shannon: Now, mind you, our sessions usually go about an hour, but we probably spend two hours each time with them, if not more, because we want to make sure if you are believers in Christ and you're saying that God called me to marry you and you get married, divorce is not the option. So if that is the case and we're very direct about this, then you cannot tell me that God called you all to separate or divorce. No, no, no, no. He called you together. So that is your choice to break up, not His choice.

00:28:20 Tony: Amen. 

00:28:21 Domanicka: So I asked that question three times.

00:28:22 Shannon: Three times.

00:28:22 Domanicka: And each time, it was no. And I asked that, then why are you getting married? But they had already made all the plans. They had the venue, they had the dress, they had–

00:28:34 Shannon: Caterers.

00:28:35 Domanicka: Caterers, like they just, they have planned everything. And we always feel like people do this thing backwards. You know, they have all the things versus actually going through the process of saying, is this person right for me before I make all of these plans and spend all this money? 

00:28:53 Shannon: Right. 

00:28:54 Domanicka: Because it's harder for them to back out of it once they've done that, even though they see that there's a red flag. And unfortunately, they still got married and nothing but challenges–

00:29:07 Shannon: Ever since. 

00:29:08 Domanicka: Ever since.

00:29:09 Shannon: And we still stay connected with them because at the end of the day, when you're there to witness a marriage, you're there to support it, right? Because not just us as counselors, but you're there not to eat the cake. You're there to make sure that they live happily ever after. So you want to do everything in your power to make sure they stay successful in that space. But we've tried to give them every out to say, let's table this, let's put this on hold. 

00:29:32 Domanicka: Delay it. 

00:29:33 Shannon: I'd rather for you to lose a few thousand dollars to not go through with a marriage than to spend all that money and get divorced and spend even more money getting divorced. 

00:29:42 Domanicka: Yes. 

00:29:43 Shannon: You're going to pay now or pay later. So I'd rather for you to take that loss versus pay way more to get divorced and put it on God. Because that's the last thing I wanted these two to come back and say, well, God said. No, God did not say that. It was a choice. Live with that choice. And they're still trying to work it out. They really are. They're still trying to work it out. But the thing was, they didn't have to try to work it out. They could have just said, let's pause. Let's just make sure, but here's the thing. A lot of people fall into this category because they're in love with getting married. 

00:30:14 Domanicka: The idea of getting married. 

00:30:16 Shannon: They're in love with the idea of that marriage, the wedding versus living together, being one together based on what the word says. And that's what we really struggle with. A lot of people want the fantasy wedding. They feel like once they get to marry, everything is going to be great. There's going to be no issues. Life is going to be grand. This is my knight in shining armor. He just rescued his princess. And we never find out the rest of the story once the knight in shining armor rescued the princess. And that's the issue. They’re happy and they’re excited about the rescue, but they're not excited about the journey they're after because they don't know what that looks like, even from a fairy tale. 

00:30:57 Tony: Well, you touched on something that I like to ask you guys about. Where does happiness fall in? Where's the importance of happiness in a marriage? And where the responsibility lies for making sure your mate is happy in a marriage? 

00:31:16 Shannon: That's a powerful question. 

00:31:30 Domanicka: That's loaded. 

00:31:25 Shannon: You try to start some stuff. You got to test our 27 years of marriage. Well, I'm going to go here. I'll start it off and you jump in. 

00:31:38 Domanicka: Okay. 

00:31:39 Shannon: All right. I actually have subjected myself to a rough past. From that rough past, I transitioned and pivot back to church, recommitted my life to Christ, right? So when we met, it was from a dream, we were supposed to get married. And from there, we jumped right into getting married. So we, and I'm kind of cutting through a lot of this just to get to this point. When we got married, I didn't know how to be a husband because all I could think about was the baggage that I left behind. So what I was trying to do is outdo what I was to prove who I am when I just needed to learn to just love God more. 

00:32:20 Shannon: So when I come to the conclusion that I needed to just surrender all to God, then I would stop trying to be a better man, a better husband, a better father, a better leader, a better businessman. I stopped trying to be a better friend because I wasn't trying to prove nothing to her or my kids or anyone in my circle of influence. If I just trust God with my life more, it allowed me access to do all the things that I failed to do without me being in the way. 

00:32:50 Shannon: So I became a better husband and a better friend and a better father because I love God more. So my happiness was my relationship with Him first. And from there, it transferred into the horizontal, which is my relationship with my wife, my kids, my friends, my family, coworkers, leaders, everything. So to me, happiness starts with your relationship with God first. And no one can tell you how to have that type of relationship, but He will. The Bible simply says that we were wonderfully, fearfully made in His image. 

00:33:21 Shannon: So that means each of us is uniquely made from Him. So He understands your uniqueness. He knows how to speak to your uniqueness and how to couple that with someone else just as unique as you. So the more I trust God, the more we didn't argue or fall out or that New Yorker didn't come out. God bless America. I didn't want her windmilling on me, you know. 

00:33:47 Tony: Did you feel pressure to make your wife happy? 

00:33:52 Shannon: I did. I did because coming from where I came from, all the examples that I saw is that a man didn't cry. Men fixed things. Men took care of business. You do what you got to do to make her happy even if she's not happy. You just try. So the pressure was abandoning what I thought I was supposed to be versus who I am in Him. Now, the moment I pivot, it was a little rough at first because my wife was looking at me all across and I'm like, what are you doing? What's wrong with you? Where's my Christmas gift? And how many? It was a pivot. It was a shift because I became an apologetic. If I realized that, if I felt like I was offending God, it's the lack of better terms. And you know, we can't offend God because He is with us in thick and thin. 

00:34:41 Shannon: But when I felt like my relationship with Him was changing in me, I realized there was something that I was doing to her. Because if God is in me and God is in her, then when I speak to her, I'm speaking to Christ. So how would I talk to Christ? Then that's how I should be talking to my wife. Did I say put the missions away? I would never say that to Jesus, right? But I would say that to my wife. Oh, that's so wrong. So it just made me change my relationship with my wife based on how my relationship with Christ is.

00:35:11 Domanicka: So for me, I put pressure on him. Like, I felt like I needed to get my happiness from him. And so I put all this pressure on him to fill a void that I had in myself. So like I had this dream because I'm a big dreamer. And the Lord kind of revealed to me the pressure that I was putting on him, because I was leaning on him to be something to me that God could only be to me. And so I remember waking up in the middle of the night, I was crying and bawling because the Lord is like, No, he's not your God, I'm your God. And I provide for you, not him. 

00:35:52 Domanicka: And He said, and you're putting too much pressure on him. He wasn't designed to carry that. And so I woke up, I'm crying, I'm waking him up. And I'm like, I'm so sorry that I [brought] this. Like, I was mortified, like, of the pressure that I was putting on him to make me happy to provide for my needs. And God's like, ‘No, no, no, I'm your provider. You look to Me.” And so when I did that, he was literally laying there like, and he said, ‘Thank you.” 

00:36:23 Shannon: I slept with that night. 

00:36:25 Domanicka: I literally felt the pressure just like, leave our room, like it just kind of, like dissipated. 

00:36:32 Shannon: It did. 

00:36:34 Domanicka: Because I realized I put all this pressure on him. I made him my God, literally, versus leaning on God to be my God. And so that for me was my big moment of like, okay, I need to go to God first. Yeah, He might use him, He might not use him. But hey, we don't have any food. Like, we don't have any money. We can't pay this bill. Instead of complaining to him, I'm talking to God because God said, “Hey, I'm your provider, not him.” So that was a big shift in our relationship.

00:37:12 Toni: Wow. Wow. Well, the Dailey’s, it has been such a pleasure. You have surpassed all of my expectations. I'm so appreciative. And you are also offering our listeners a complimentary session. That is so generous of you. Thank you so much. Let us know how we can get in touch with you, please. And then list your targets. Like, who do you serve? Because I don't want to leave out any segment.

00:37:45 Shannon:  Okay. Well, you can actually go to our website, live like, live L-I-V-E, like live every day. And our last name Dailey, D-A-I-L-E-Y, dot com backslash free coaching. If you go to live dailey dot com backslash free coaching, you can actually sign up for one of our coaching sessions. And that way we'll send you out an assessment, get to know you a little bit, and hopefully point you to Christ, but more so, point you to what He would need you to do in those moments. Now to talk about the people that we're going after. We are big believers, on… believers in Christ, first and foremost. 

00:38:22 Shannon: Our avatar is really those who've been through a bad breakup or that's been married before, that want to get married again, but make sure to get it right this time. Because our focus is to implement the word of God into their lives so that way they can ensure a healthy, sustainable relationship moving forward. So if they reach out to us there, we'll definitely hop on and do a free coaching call. We'll set up some appointments for them to connect with us. And then we also have some materials and resources that they can actually get from us as well.

00:38:50 Toni: Thank you. Thank you for what you do. We could use you a thousand times over in this country. I always say this country has a culture that does not support family. And so that is one of the reasons why we started Black Family Table Talk. Tony, if you have any parting words, I am full.

00:39:12 Tony:  No, no. I'm full as well. And I thank you both for what you do. Christ has been the head of our life and that's the only way we can make it. 

00:39:23 Shannon: Yes. 

00:39:24 Tony: I don't know how people do it without Him.

00:39:26 Shannon: Man. 

00:39:27 Tony: And it's still a challenge. 

00:39:28 Shannon: I don't get it. 

00:39:30 Toni: Why would you want this? Like, oh my God, it's hard enough. 

00:39:33 Shannon: Right. 

00:39:32 Tony: Shannon: Yes. 

00:39:40 Toni: And then without Christ, oh my gosh, I don't know how people do it.

00:39:36 Shannon: Right. 

00:39:37 Tony: But I'm in agreement with Toni. Thank you for taking the time to speak with us. And I think what you have to offer will be very helpful to a lot of couples out there in this short-term period. We had to talk with you guys. A lot of great takeaways. 

00:39:55 Shannon: Well, thank you. 

00:39:50 Domanicka: Thank you so much for having us. We really appreciate it. This was a great conversation. I love having these conversations. 

00:40:03 Shannon: Yeah. And we're here to help. 

00:40:04 Domanicka: Yeah. 

00:40:05 Toni: Thank God. Thanks, God, for you. That's Black Family Table Talk. 

00:40: 10 Tony: That's what's up. 

00:40:11 Domanicka: Love it.