Black Family Table Talk
Black Family Table Talk
S6:E9 | Birthing While Black: Empowering Mothers to Take Control of Their Pregnancy
Nicole Bailey takes a seat on Black Family Table Talk to share a personal journey of pregnancy and birth. She explains how to avoid situations many new mothers find themselves in (like Serena and Beyonce) and ways to prepare for a peace-filled birthing experience.
This week's episode of Black Family Table Talk podcast/blog is sponsored by Frans Body Care.
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Once we stopped receiving slaves from Africa and they wanted us to birth more slaves to work the land is that's when they brought in gynecologist because they were like, Okay I want this woman to produce me some more slaves like what's going on? That's when they started taking you know interest in us procreating.
Tony:Welcome to season six of Black Family Table Talk. We are your host, Tony and Toni. Listen in weekly as we share unique stories that inspire, build, and give voice to strengthen black families.
Toni Henson:This season is sponsored by Fran's body care. These are handmade products made from organic ingredients. I personally recommend you try Free Me deodorant, it really works! And it's free of aluminum taupe perfumes and other harmful pore clogging substances. You can shop these and other black owned businesses on our website at BlackFamilyTableTalk.com.
Tony:Good morning. Welcome to Black Family Table Talk!
Toni Henson:Miss Nicole Bailey. I am so excited. I was like oh my gosh! This topic - we have four children. Gave birth to three, adopted one and this topic.
Nicole Bailey:Tell me about it. How were the birth? I have to know.
Toni Henson:It was.. they were incredible. And I'm gonna tell you why I ain't gonna pull no punches, children, the ones that I birthed when they came from my belly and the one that came from my heart. That was the most important thing I think I've ever done in my life. And I could not have done it without a supportive family husband. I want to talk about that canal health. How did you come to write this book?
Nicole Bailey:Oh, my goodness. So I gave birth. I had an incredible birth story. I almost have my daughter at home, quite frankly. And like you said, me and my husband, we just we just work through the birth and the preparation really closely together. We had we hired a doula, we interviewed doulas, we found one that we really connected with. She built a great relationship with us. We practice birth together. She taught him how to be there for me, how to support me, how to massage, whatever it was, what positions I needed to be in, putting me in the bath. He's not a nurturing soul. Okay, this man is not a nurturing soul, by no means, so it's not that he's just that type of man. She just taught him what to do. And he just stepped into line. I promise you, when I see people like, oh, I kept track of my own contractions. I have no, I was just zoned out. I was just, I always tell people, I felt like I was in an alternate universe, going to get my baby and trying to bring her to Earth. It just felt like I don't know where I was for like, five or six hours. I was like, Where was I? And then I just snapped out of it. I was like, she's ready. I have to push her out. Mind you, we're still in our apartment. So they're like, hold on, let's get to the hospital. And it was just a beautiful experience. And like you said, I felt so strong. I felt so powerful. I never knew why people felt like women were the closest thing to God until that moment. And I was like, Oh
Toni Henson:Amen.
Nicole Bailey:That's really remarkable. And just to see how my gosh, much power women and black women are giving away every day with birth, just whatever the doctor says, I'm just like, You really can do this, like your body was made to do this. You just have to tune into your body. And I was like, I'm gonna write a book about how I prepared, how I tuned into my body, listen to my body, prepared my family. And I just want more people to have a better experience, just an experience that they're proud of, an experience that they feel like they were a part of. Not just that they were just handing everything over to the hospital staff, because that's really, that's just not that's not even half of how beautiful it could feel.
Tony:Well, tell us about the preparation, the discussion, what's a doula?
Nicole Bailey:Okay, so a doula provides the mental, physical, and maybe the spiritual support and the knowledge that you need to give birth. They have helped many women birth. They have so much knowledge, maybe just like in your area, they might know what hospitals are common for C sections, they might know who can help - what lactation consultants can help with breastfeeding. They're a really good resource in the motherhood community. Helping you prepare for birth, helping you deal with like newborn wounds and woes. So that's what doulas really can do. They can help encourage you, they can give you tips. My Doula was absolutely amazing. She had so many resources, just whether it was books, or maybe she already paid for a subscription for an app that prepare for like, meditation during birth. Like she just gave so much different foods to eat for healing. I mean, she was just amazing. Absolutely amazing. Some people just think, oh, like my mom. But I mean, if your mom didn't have that ideal experience, and she can't guide you there, you still need a doula, like a doula is really hands on, and they really support you in a way that family members cannot and family members is just like working with family like you never know what what they're going to try to bring into the dynamics. And doulas can just provide whatever you want, and more.
Tony:That's wonderful. What was the discussion you had with your husband? In preparation for hiring a doula? I mean, that's not something that people, that's not on everybody's radar.
Nicole Bailey:You're right. I sometimes talk to some of my girlfriends now. And I'm like, You should get a doula. And they're like, Oh, my husband or my boyfriend doesn't think I need a doula. And I'm like, he's that passionate about you not having a doula. I don't feel like my husband was that passionate about me not doing something - he lets me be a woman. So if I say, Hey, I hear that this works well, for women. Like he's not gonna block it. It wasn't a deep discussion. I was just like, This is what a duel is and this is what a midwife is, I want both. And then he just supported me, he went on the interviews, he's very intuitive. So if he didn't get a good feel, he's like, Oh, I don't really know how much I felt connected to that person. And when he got the good feelings, I think that that's a good fit.
Tony:So where did your awareness come from?
Nicole Bailey:I'm still trying to figure out why I got so passionate about it. I knew that I was really afraid of needles. That was one thing. I was like, I don't want to epidural. I'm pretty eat healthy and workout. I'd rather take care of myself before a needing any type of intervention in general. So I guess I'm hands off with like medical. So I think that was probably my first thing was like, I'm not trying to get a C section. I believe women were meant to do this. I really do. That's how the whole world is populated. And I, I just believed in myself and my body that it was meant to do this. And so I just started watching documentaries, and the business of being born by Ricki Lake is a really good documentary, and she kind of just breaks down how hospitals, they have their own goals, they have their own metrics, really has nothing to do with you. And I just started doing more research and watching like doula diaries off of Facebook, or there's like a midwife show from Great Britain from like the 40s or 30s. And honestly, most countries still use midwives, the US is the only one that's like, we use doctors more than midwives.
Toni Henson:It is such a natural process. When I had my first child, my firstborn son, I was reading these books and I went to my doctor and I absolutely blessed this day. She said this, and this was 28 years ago. This was before we had access to information at our fingertips. My doctor said to me, First of all, it hurts. That's what she said. Giving birth hurts. You can do this, it is a very natural process, I'm just there to coach you in.I was like, Oh. That was my doctor, do you remember he doctor Her name?
Tony:Yvette Bridges
Toni Henson:You're right, Dr. bridges in New Jersey. And that when she told me that it was like, Just get all that stuff out of your head. God has this all figured out already. I'm just there to make sure nothing and goes wrong. And I was like, Okay. I was one of those that I wanted natural birth, I didn't want epidural. But when the pain came, I was like, Give it to me now, I need it. So I wasn't as strong as but the one thing that I can say, I was in labor for 31 hours. And that's a long time, but Dr. Bridges actually was not available when my baby came, it was her covering doctor. He was also good. His name was Bowers. Anyway, Dr. Bowers said, whenever you're ready, we're ready. And he didn't want to push me or anything. And other doctors would have been like you need to get a C section. He says that long as the baby is not in distress and you're okay, that we don't need to do a C. 31 hours. I don't even hear about labor's that long anymore. Because like you said, the medical community, they have their own agenda. And when it comes to black people and our history with health care, our best interests is not in the forefront of that agenda. And we have a famous story, Serena Williams, who documents and talks about very much so how she was discarded and during the birth of her child. This book is important, not only for the past generation, because me ready to be a grandma and getting ready for my children to give birth. We don't have any yet. But we need to understand how mom needs to be supported all the way around. We don't need to put the stress and I can get on the soapbox, I'm gonna let you - you the expert, you wrote the book. Mom doesn't need to be stressed. Mom needs her feet rubbed. Mom needs to calm down. Mom doesn't need to have to be stressing at work. Doesn't need to worry about where her partner is. This is no longer about the individuals, this is no longer about the dad, is no longer about the mom, it's about the baby. And your relationship has to be strong. And I mean committed. And the best way to signify committed, and I know this is very controversial, is through marriage. God has all of this setup for us. Not this this polyamorous stuff, not all of this other stuff go. It is really, truly structured and it's a foundation. God gives very specific rules in terms of what family is. And if it doesn't work out for you that way. Fine. Try to get back to that. That's the baseline that it works in. And I can tell you people ask us all the time, why are your kids so successful, what did you do? That's what we did. We made sure and we've had our marriage problems, God knows we've had them. But we made sure that we were whole and full before we got married and decided to have children. We waited four years before we had children, because we wanted to make sure our relationship was strong. Coming from divorced parents I did not want to bring, give birth to children in unstable environment.
Nicole Bailey:No. You hit my heartstrings because we recently got married. So we had our daughter before we got married. And I was very adamant about needing to get married. People would try to like, Oh, well, what's the difference, y'all been together. Oh, no, we're going to need to get married. I'm not about to confuse this little girl when she get older. Why didn't y'all get me? We're gonna get married. So we actually just got married in October. And I even felt like our relationship is stronger, because we're a real family now. I feel like a real family. It just feels different. And it feels stronger, even though we were able to work through and have that baby together. When that baby came, and we weren't married, I felt a lot of stress. I felt a lot of inconsistencies like he would just be a little confused and stressed and it was almost like he thought he could still leave and I'm like, What are you talking about? You know what I mean? So it was just like, No, we need to be married because you don't need to feel like you can have one foot in and out the door. Because me, my parents been married for 35 years. My grandparents were married to the day my grandmother passed. All my cousin's, everybody's married in my family. So it just felt uncomfortable to me. Like, I was just like, You're sounding like you just think this is like maybe. I don't feel comfortable in focusing on my daughter if you know what I mean? Because then you're like, Do you feel left out enough to want to leave or something.I totally agree.
Tony:Well, thank God it worked out.
Toni Henson:I just gonna really quickly interject that. Everybody doesn't always get it right because we're human. We are human first. But we've got to get try our best to stay within that standard. And that's my point.
Nicole Bailey:I agree.
Tony:Amen. Amen. You preachin' there. Well because God always gives everybody chances. God loves us so much that if you don't do it within his guidelines, he's still there for you. And he's there with open arms to always welcome you back as a family. Amen. So we don't we don't have to throw things away if things don't go right. You can always get back in good graces with God. And I encourage everyone that ist' not the end. Because like you said, everybody's human. And we all make mistakes. But that's not the end. You're mistakes don't make you who you are.
Toni Henson:I don't believe children are mistakes at all. And I know you're not saying that. I'm just saying that he can get us on track.
Tony:He wants best for us.
Toni Henson:You shared getting to birth, how are things going with mommy hood.
Nicole Bailey:She is almost three years old. She'll be three in May. She is an absolute joy, the happiest little girl you'll ever seen. Just always bubbly, they're at gymnastics now. And she's just so fun. As a first time mom, so I was very strict about everything. Kind of like how I study for birth. I was kind of the same way with like, the beginning of motherhood, like I was like, Okay, I breastfed for 14-15 months. I was trying to make organic babies. Just very hands on. Transitioning from bassinet to crib, crib to toddler bed. Like I did everything very regimented. And my dad was military. So I kind of blame him for my extra regimen. But I think it worked out because I get it I am very structured and so the friends that are like, Oh, my kid is still in the band. I'm like, My kid goes to bed at 8:30 or 8 o'clock to 8:30. Maybe nine o'clock on the Saturday. There's no running out. She's loved. She knows she's loved. We'll recap today if you feel a little you're not ready to go to bed. Let's talk about how much fun we had today. What we can do tomorrow, but good night.
Toni Henson:I love that.
Nicole Bailey:It really works. It's fairly, you know, it's been interesting pulling our personalities together to raise a child. That was probably the biggest, I guess, rift. He came from more of a broken home. Mom and Dad were in and out. So the grandma kind of did a lot. Sometimes when those grandmas do a lot they spoil. So I probably am a little more strict and he's always kind of trying to move me away from that and I'm like, No, trust me I know that it works.
Toni Henson:It sounds like a good cuz I think you can be a little bit too regimented. And children will press those boundaries.
Tony:I was going to add, now that the book is written, what's next for you? You having book readings, book signings, turns a woman to read it.
Nicole Bailey:So I am. I have a couple of podcasts lined up just to kind of get the word out. I did have a book launch party where basically we came together and did a circle. Like a restorative circle with a few women. Some women that I knew, some women I didn't know. I just put it on Eventbrite, put it on Instagram and was surprised that the women that showed up that I didn't even know that we're in search of community. And me and a really good friend of mine. She's in the education space leather restorative circle, and it was very beautiful. Like we just talked about birth and preparation and postpartum and me and her are looking to do that again. That's what I have going on right now is just getting the word out. And probably having a few more, like either just for restorative circles or just in time to talk about different aspects of the book.
Toni Henson:When do you think is the best time to have your book in hand?
Nicole Bailey:I definitely think it's best to have it before you, get well when you get pregnant, before you give birth. But there is maybe 1/4 of the book is more about postpartum or breastfeeding. But I think preparation and birth is best, even, postpartum preparation is best. So just getting the book once you're overwhelmed, might not be the best. So definitely having it in advance is probably better, even if you don't take advantage of everything for birth preparation to have a vaginal natural birth, still preparing for breastfeeding. Because that's a small window top. Once the milk is gone, it's not coming back. So if you want to get into, you really want to get into breastfeeding, like those first three months are vital.
Toni Henson:The book really needs to go on men and women's hands before they even think about pregnancy. Because state of mind - mentally, physically, emotionally, all of that. Male and female, I truly am not a doctor. But I truly believe that if the sperm is not healthy, and the egg is not healthy then when the two meet, it's going to cause dysfunction. Throughout our years, living as blacks in America, we have experienced so much trauma,. We got, like you talked about meditation, which is the same to me as prayer, we got to get our minds and our bodies and our spirits settled, and make a decision to procreate. And be mindful, you talked about being mindful about your body. And it shouldn't be the result of being in a drunken stupor, and being careless or reckless. Because having sex has to be and I wrote a poem about this, and it's called Slow Down. We got to slow down, because our lives are at stake here. I don't know this new sexual revolution that we're into where people are rewarded for multiple partners and taking back their sexuality. This is what they're saying, I don't think that's taking back your sexuality. What I hear are childhood wounds speaking.
Nicole Bailey:I totally agree. I totally agree. Really my generation is doing this, but I totally agree.
Tony:I agree with Tony. Nicole our book should be an educational piece for how to approach pregnancy and that information, it can't be too soon to get that information. And I don't know the age, they teach sex education school anymore. But taking back our power and the reason why we started this podcast, is to help black families. So if it's not happening in the schools, this is something parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents should say, Hey, this is a great book, I want to share this with my niece, my daughter, my granddaughter, let's go over this. We're in control of this, educational system shouldn't be raising our children. So as soon as we get this information out to our nieces and nephews, sons and daughters, the more we can understand, and the more resources we have, the better decisions we can make. So I'm all for just sharing this book with whoever and say, Look, this is this may be something to help you as you grow up in adulthood, this is some resources you can use and it's about taking care of your body, taking care of your mental state during pregnancy. How do you approach it? What's your thoughts? Going into this, that I'm not in this by myself. If you had that understanding, that kind of lays out a lot of parameters and structures for you as you move forward.
Nicole Bailey:Yeah, I definitely agree. And like you said, a black family piece. I explained that in the beginning to that. One of the main reasons why gynecology is birth so strongly in the US, as opposed to other countries is really because of slavery. Which is one of the main reasons why we should work closer with midwives when you have a healthy birth or Yeah, that's that's a lot right there to take in. a low risk birth as what they call it. Why you should be working closer with your community, with your doula or your midwife because, honestly, gynecology was birthed. Once we stopped receiving slaves from Africa and they wanted us to birth more slaves to work the land is that's when they brought in gynecologist. Because they were like, Okay, I want this woman to produce me some more slaves like what's going on? That's when they started taking interest in as procreating. And that's one of the strongest pieces for me to I would never have a white gynecologist. period. I just won't. I mean, I'm not saying all white people are evil, but for me, that person cannot be in control of my birth. Me bringing children into the world that just won't be, that can't be my story. So it's very important that we take a deep look. Like you said, why Serena Williams, Beyonce, how are they having these stories? How? Why? Doesn't matter how educated you are, how much money you have, once you put your hands in the system of the medical system, you never know what can happen. It doesn't even depend who you are, doesn't matter as a black person. And that's a problem. And it's very close to like what we see with like policing of our black men. It's very similar. And there was a doctor that talked about that, that I'd mentioned in the book, too. She studied how C section and police brutality were actually hand in hand. So yeah, systematic racism. It's still, they're still living deeper, deeper than we think.
Toni Henson:I am blown away. This was a great show. Do you have one more thing you want to take away. You want to give to our audience, our people, our family just says too much?
Nicole Bailey:Yes, I really want us as black woman, black men to just take more control of our narratives. That's something that's constantly being fed right now. And it starts with
Tony:It should be on everyone's bookshelf. If you ready for the birth. moment, you pull it off with a look just planning this thing out. That's Black Family Table Talk.
Toni Henson:That's what's up.
Tony:That concludes this week's talk. We hope you found some tools to add to your strong black family toolbox. And be sure to sign up for a free subscription at BlackFamilyTableTalk.com for special discounts and product offers reserved exclusively for you.
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